![]() When I respond with genuine interest to what they are saying and encourage them to tell me more, they seem surprised as if it's a novel experience." "When I interview people-whether it's a person on the street, CEO, or celebrity-I often get the sense that they are unaccustomed to having someone listen to them."The ability to listen to anyone has been replaced by the capacity to shut out everyone, particularly those who disagree with us or don't get to the point fast enough."."e are engaged in a dialogue of the deaf, often talking over one another at cocktail parties, work meetings, and even family dinners groomed as we are to lead the conversation rather than follow it.Value is placed on what you project, not what you absorb.".You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy is published by Harvill Secker (£16.99). Kate Murphy is here to remind us – entertainingly and compellingly – exactly why it matters so much, especially right now. It feels like a reiteration of something essential you once knew but that somehow you had forgotten about. This is smart and playful Malcolm Gladwell-style analysis that reads as both challenging and oddly reassuring. Also, give yourself a pat on the back if you ever find yourself pausing and saying in response (honestly): “I don’t know what to say” or: “I’d like to think about that.” Congratulations: you were actually really listening for once. Listening can easily provide us with these boosts for free and with little effort. She makes a strong case for the idea that the moments in which we feel most alive are the moments of unexpected connection and of a break in routine. ![]() We benefit from “being fascinated by – rather than fearful of – the unpredictability of others”. Murphy’s argument that we should initiate face-to-face conversations with strangers is particularly inspiring. The proposition that the better we know someone, the less we listen to them properly (or, really, at all) because we don’t expect them to surprise us. The fact that, as any good interviewer knows, everyone has something interesting to say if you ask the right questions. The idea that “people get lonely for lack of listening”. It’s the opposite of Donald Trump’s assertion: “My primary consultant is myself.”Ī lot of what Murphy is writing about here seems incredibly simple, but many observations struck me as inspiringly profound. This technique is extremely useful, especially in the context of contemporary “debate” (very often people shouting and not listening). “Negative capability” is a sign of highly evolved listener: this is the ability to cope with grey areas, contradictory ideas, doubt and uncertainty without getting angry. And we are likely to understand something better even if we will never share their point of view. If someone feels listened to, they are more likely to listen back. We benefit from “being fascinated by – rather than fearful of – the unpredictability of others”ĭeep listening encourages us to ask: “Why does that person think that? Do they know something we don’t? What can we learn from them about how they see the world?” The consequences are deep. In fact, this is the very moment when we should breathe deeply, realise that we are not under physical attack and listen intently. Murphy argues persuasively that we shut off – needlessly – as soon as we feel attacked or when we feel the other person’s point of view runs counter to ours. But in recent times, this bad habit has been compounded, both because of the speed, immediacy and individualism of social media and because of the apparent threat that divisions seem to evoke. It has always been true that in any conversation we can have a tendency to formulate our next great and profound utterance instead of listening to the person talking to us. “When I interview people – whether it’s a person on the street, CEO or celebrity – I often get the sense that they are unaccustomed to having someone listen to them.” The ability to listen actively and attentively is something that has become a rare commodity, she argues. She prides herself on being such a good listener that she is able to help her subjects reach insights they might not otherwise have uncovered. Murphy approaches this topic as an old-school journalist with a prolific interviewing record for the New York Times. And yet, more than ever, we expect to be heard. They need this book, not me.” It’s clear to most right-thinking people, however, regardless of their sympathies, that we live in an age where many struggle to listen. Trump/Johnson/Corbyn/Thunberg is the one who is not listening. There is a temptation to retreat into comfortable harrumphing: “I think you’ll find that I’m not the one who is not listening. The premise of this book couldn’t be more timely, although the idea is also frighteningly easy to dismiss.
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